i am not okay

In case you’re wondering, I am not okay. No, I am not suicidal. I am not self-harming by cutting, purging, or restricting. Actually, this feeling is a lot worse. The above, I know how to handle that, I know where to get help, and what I need to do to help myself. This is something else entirely. I’m not even sure that this can be fixed.

I am not okay. Today, I woke up feeling as if I had slept 10+ hours, but not at all rested, completely paranoid that I slept in past my scheduled shift. I grabbed my iPhone and looked at the time. 6:30 AM – I didn’t have to clock in until 8. It took everything to wake myself up and make breakfast. Eggs, sausage, cheese. Coffee. I watched Supernatural before it was time to clock in. I told myself that today was going to be good. I was going to do well at work and be upbeat and everything would be great. I started the day off okay enough, not good, but okay. Then I saw that he had posted something about BPD – because being the creepy stalker I am, I still check what he says – and something just shattered in me. Oh, it wasn’t anything bad at all. It was something very thoughtful. Yet, I could feel the air get heavier and the energy it took to speak was exhausting. I just keep seeing myself failing at everything. I want to quit my job, not because of the people I work with or the job itself – I like both. But because I am failing. I am not doing good. I don’t know how to fix that.

I am not okay. I left work early. I ordered food that I knew was going to make me feel gross and fat and worthless. I watched part of I am Jazz. But thoughts came flooding in, so I shut the TV off and took a shower. The joys of Lupus, before I apply any soap or shampoo, just at the touch of water, my skin is covered in hives. I want to peel my skin off. I started crying, and I can’t remember the exact thoughts, but the thoughts turned into a prayer pleading with Heavenly Father to send me a friend. I am alone. That’s what hurts. I am alone, and in a way I have never been alone before. I don’t have anyone I can talk to. And I don’t mean about the sad things…. I just mean to talk, about anything, to do something with, to get out and away. I have one person (locally) that I can talk to, and she’s amazing and I love her… but I just need someone I can spend time with.

I am not okay. I want to be, I really do, but I don’t know how to be OK with the things I cannot fix. Things that people say, “That’s not true” – but really, we both know they are – it’s just the nice thing to say, the right thing to do. I think about today and I think about tomorrow, and my chest tightens and my breathing stops. Oh, I know, I know. I can go to church. I can join clubs at school. I can meet people. I can make friends. But honestly, what is the fucking point if everyone leaves anyway? Even the ones that promise not to. It is my fault, I know, that everyone leaves. I’m too much… even when I’m doing OK and normal, I’m still not good enough for people. I’m awkward and not in the cool way like some people. I’m a fucking freak. I have so much self-loathing I have to face every second of every freaking day.

…But wait, I shouldn’t be talking about these things, right? I shouldn’t talk about how I feel because its not positive and uplifting. I need to suck it up. I need to get over it. I shouldn’t feel this way. I need to stop being a baby about things and if I really feel these things about myself, I need to change it. I love that. I really do. “Oh, you hate yourself? Well why don’t you change what you don’t like.” Excuse me, but I think you misunderstand.

I hate the way I look. Beyond my weight and other things within my control, I hate absolutely everything about my appearance. I hate how I talk, I hate my voice, I hate the stupid things I say. OK, so I can control what I say. I hate how I feel. I hate how I think….   I hate me. I hate who I am. I hate my very spirit.

Do you understand now?

I am not okay.

And all I really want right now is the one thing I don’t deserve, the one thing I’ve ruined my chances with --- a friend. Someone that will be like, hey, you’re not okay. That’s okay though, because I care about you and we’ll get through this. But I don’t have that. All I have is me, and can’t you see how hard that is when I hate myself so much?