how much longer?

I'm falling behind and falling apart. It's not so much that I want someone I can talk to about this. I want someone I can simply talk to. The walls close in and the weight in my chest grows heavier. I tell myself how I'm going to accomplish certain tasks. I tell myself how today is going to be better. I start off feeling slightly positive and partially motivated. But something happens after a few hours and reality comes crashing in on me. I am alone. Every day, every moment, I am completely alone. I'd like for you to imagine that for a moment.

I'd like for you to imagine yourself completely alone. No family, no friends, no partner. Waking up alone, having no one to speak to during the day, not doing anything on your days off, and losing all motivation to do the things you need to do, such as homework. The emptiness weighs on you so much that nothing helps to alleviate it. Not movies, not books, not music... You're restless. You would do anything to talk to someone. Oh sure, you can reach out to the church, but that didn't go so well for me the last time. I have therapy scheduled, and that's all very well but it's not a friend.

I think of the people who would be quick to say, "but I am your friend." Really? When was the last time you texted me? Or called? Or saw me? The truth is, I don't matter all that much. And that's OK. That's not your fault.

I keep praying and begging Heavenly Father to help me. And I keep waiting for an answer... but nothing happens and so I start feeling sick and I cry myself to sleep and I wake up and I try again. I keep trying and nothing keeps changing and I feel so sick. I tell myself, "Next week is a new week. Things will be better." I tell myself this every week. Tomorrow will be better. But it is not. And each day that passes a part of me fades and any hope I had withers.

I am not suicidal. I am not cutting. I am not purging. I am not restricting. I am not acting impulsively. But it is still not good enough, in fact, it's all so much more worse. I am so much more alone than I have ever been, and it seems like even God isn't listening to me anymore.